I say this all the time. But there I was in my cello lesson this week, and my teacher says to me, Let's try a new piece. And I say, Okay. And he says, Bach wrote six sonatas for cello, didja know that? And I'm all like, Really? In the back of my mind, a voice was saying, "Anner Bylsma, you dork!" but I didn't listen to the voice. And then my teacher said, Let's try one of them. Some of them are easy and some are hard. He told me the final two were really tough - #5 was written for a 5-string cello (which were more common in Bach's day than they are now) and #6 was written for a cello with the A-string tuned down to G. Also - I got a glance at the sheet music - there are a ton of fiddly fucking little notes to navigate there as well. So forget those.
But #2 has an easy part. Not easy, exactly, but not off my spectrum of possibility. I played it. "That sounds familiar," I said, ignoring the little voice in my head saying, "Bylsma, bylsma."
Look: here's a metaphor. Imagine something exquisite. Who's exquisite at the moment? Just for example imagine Monica Bellucci. Okay? Imagining her? Now imagine Monica Belluci made out of flattened tin cans held together with old chewing gum. That's what it sounded like when I played it the first time - barely recognizeable and not as grand as possible.
Yeah, yeah, you're getting there, my teacher said. You're getting the idea. Then he played it. Monica Bellucci. Not at her full potential, perhaps, but definitely Monica Bellucci. Monica Bellucci with a headache, maybe. Monica Bellucci after a long drive and all she wants is a fucking smoke by herself out on the balcony to gather her thoughts.
Bach is so cool. Cello is too. If you're still reading this, kid looking for information on your school report, and by chance you're learning the cello, keep it up, dude. Good going.
Posted at April 22, 2004 07:19 AMha ha ha.
it is just so funny to hear men talking about monica bellucci...oops, i meant BACH.
Posted by: j-a at April 22, 2004 08:41 AMNice metaphor. A good combination of sight and sound . . . and Monica Bellucci, of course.
Posted by: Keith at April 22, 2004 02:23 PMThe Bach unaccompanied cello sonatas have also been tranposed for the viola. Believe me, that's far worse than Monica Bellucci made from cans; I'm thinking more of Sandra Bernhard made from old chewing gum and string :-)
Posted by: Mad at April 22, 2004 02:30 PMThank you for that mental image. If a tune you can't get out of your head is an ear-worm, would Sandra Bernhard made from old chewing gum and string be an eye-worm or a brain-worm?
Posted by: mig at April 22, 2004 03:07 PMWait, "like"... it's a SIMILE, isn't it, and not a metaphor.
Or is it a metaphor?
Poet! Is there a poet in the house?
You created a great opportunity to round out the triplet by describing Bylsma playing that tune, if you could imagine hearing it, within the Belucci simetaphorile. But you restrained yourself, I guess.
Posted by: wheezy joe at April 22, 2004 03:40 PMI wonder if Monica blogs...
Posted by: D at April 22, 2004 03:42 PMso..the quitting smoking not going too well, then?
Posted by: chris at April 23, 2004 04:26 AMdear mr. metamorphius,
my name is jeff and im an 8th grade student at roosevelt high in missouri. im writing a school report for my history class called "important figures in western history" about monica bellucci. can you please send me some information about her figure? (measurements, etc...) my e-mail address is: justajoke@butyouprobablyknewthat.com
Posted by: jeff at April 23, 2004 11:39 AMdear jeff,
i hear there's a lot of good information about her in that one recent movie of hers, you know, with the messed up chronology... dang, what's the name? never saw it myself. you might have to get your mom to take you to see it, not sure if they let unaccompanied minors in or not...
Yummy, Bach, I'd do him in a minuet. Way more my type than Bellucci.
Posted by: zulieka at April 25, 2004 10:20 PMAs far as I know, there are no nude pictures of any of the Bach cello suites. Advantage: Belluci, who was an excellent, excellent choice for Mary Magdelene.
Posted by: Zizka at April 26, 2004 03:13 AMIRREVERSIBLE.
bought it here for very little - spent the hours watching it shrieking (much to the annoyment of boyfriend, my shrieking was probably putting him off his fantasies about monica bellucci).
Posted by: j-a at April 26, 2004 08:34 AM