Metamorphosism

Metamorphosism, the Lifestyle Magazine

At the newsstand, glossy advice: Summer of Sex, 56 Things You've Never Tried; Secrets to Great Abs; 40 Secret Rules of Being a Guy. On and on. It's like an industry.

Let's make a magazine. Put your headlines and or articles in the comments.

Those articles used to disappoint me until I stopped reading them. A load of pork, or air (perhaps both, like those bacon-rind things they sell in the store in the chips section) wrapped around an obvious core. Want great abs? Lose the fat and do a ton of situps. The secret of losing weight? Eat less. Quit smoking? Stop putting cigarettes in your mouth.

56 things you've never tried… that could be interesting, except that 56 things would not even be the tip of the iceberg of things I've never tried. I get embarrassed stuffing the turkey for Thanksgiving, man. I'll leave it to someone else to guess what those 56 things could be.

Secret rules of being a guy, though. What would those be? What have we observed about being a guy?

1. Don't ask for directions.
   
2. Watch where you point that.
   
3. Emulate your father, intentionally or accidentally.
   
4. Be nice to your mom, and your mother-in-law.
   
5. Know how to mix a couple drinks.
   
6. Know a few recipes by heart.
   
7. Know basic woodworking, at least birdhouse construction.
   
8. Play a musical instrument, however badly.
   
9. Know the lyrics to a few songs, and sing them.
   
10. Vote democrat.
    
11. Be nice to old people, and treat them with respect.
    
12. Take good care of your animals.
    
13. Take care of your car and know enough about it so you don't freak out when you look under the hood. Like be able to find the thing to check the oil.
    
14. Polish your shoes, if they are the polishing kind.
    
15. Know more than one way to knot a tie.
    
16. Be able to recite at least one poem by heart.
    
17. Know how to prune a fruit tree.
    
18. Know how to bait a fishhook.
    
19. Understand baseball.
    
20. Have a favorite sports team.
    
21. Have a favorite author.
    
22. Have a favorite movie.
    
23. Quit smoking.
    
24. Be decent to kids. Treat them with respect, and expect them to do the same.
    
25. Look at me when I'm talking to you.
    
26. Be careful with that, you'll put someone's eye out.
    
27. Have a regular prostate exam after 40 or 45, whatever.
    
28. Cut down on animal fats.
    
29. Use it or lose it.
    
30. Stretch. Warm up, and stretch.
    
31. Don't be an asshole. Be polite. This includes while driving.
    
32. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
    
33. Learn how to give a decent massage, and a decent foot rub.
    
34. Do the housework now and then, but don't get all anal-retentive about it.
    
35. Tell kids fascinating stories.
    
36. If you're a poor conversationalist, develop a coping strategy such as memorizing in advance possible comments or topics to raise, or practice a facial expression that looks like you're paying attention.
    
37. Wear a suit now and then.
    
38. If you're over 12, don't wear short pants.
    
39. Use the right tool for the job. (Like don't use a gun to hammer a nail. I used to have an old Colt .41 revolver a previous owner had used for that very purpose - the butt was all dinged up.)
    
40. What am I forgetting?