Metamorphosism

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March 04, 2005

How to fall asleep

The way I see it, a guy my age you has two choices when things bog down: 4uto-er0tic 4sphyxiati0n or self-hypnosis.

That's just one choice, isn't it? Two alternatives. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm starting out with self-hypnosis.

It can't hurt. Worst-case scenario: it doesn't work. Nothing happens. Big deal. So I found some directions on the Internet.

Those are famous last words, aren't they? "I found out on the Internet how to do this." Second only to , "Hey, y'all, watch this."

This is, briefly, how it is done:

  1. Count down from 100, relaxing as you go
  2. Then count down from 5, telling yourself at each step, I'm getting more relaxed, I'll make some nice suggestions, etc.
  3. Make suggestions
  4. Count yourself back up to 5, waking up a little at each step.

Or, in my case, you count down from 100 and around 50 you hear loud snoring and wake up.
It turns out to be a fine way to fall asleep at night. I drop right off. It's changed my life.
As far as the hypnosis goes, I have to try it sitting up. Not sure if it's worked yet. I'm totally in the middle of a crisis sort of week(s) and even having panic attacks (standing in front of the elevator at the UN a couple days ago, amidst a gaggle of diplomats, I wanted nothing more than to scream "WAAHHHHHHHH" as a breadloaf-sized lump of misery and panic exploded from my solar plexus; then I looked around me and wondered how many other people there felt the same way), so I suppose it's shaken something up. I'm taking a positive view of it. In Chinese, the word for "crisis" is written with the characters for "can" and "worms", right?
And I sleep better.
And the chances of being found dangling from a doorknob in my wife's clothes are infinitesimal.

Posted at March 4, 2005 08:53 AM
Comments

i used to pretend that someone i liked a lot was curled around me, and that i should lie very still, and take slow and measured breaths, so as to stay enveloped in that warmth.

also helpful is taking each event of the day and giving it one breath. and then being "bah, sorry, time's up, we're moving on to the next event".

although, if you really have trouble sleeping, you should get up and write. ahem.

Posted by: anne at March 4, 2005 09:36 AM

Invest in one of those full-spectrum lights. It solves more problems than you think it would.

Posted by: Suzette at March 4, 2005 12:03 PM

Hellfire, Mig, that doesn't sound like any fun at all.
Have pedicures-for-men arrived in Vienna, yet? You should get yourself a nice footrub.
Alternately you could get yourself a vacation. The Euro is very strong against the weensy little dollar right now. And we've got a nice guestroom.

Posted by: Jessica at March 4, 2005 10:01 PM

Third only, perhaps, to, "Maybe we ought to send this in as a Darwin Award nomination..."

Posted by: lucy at March 6, 2005 02:26 AM
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