Metamorphosism

Little-known facts about the seahorse

(WARNING: CONTAINS THE WORDS "FUCK", "ASS" AND "MARX")

• Seahorses mate for life, under a full moon, and sing while they're doing it.
• Seahorses have the superpower of invisibility, in the sense of changing color to blend in with their surroundings. Especially where waiters and bartenders are concerned.
• Male seahorses give birth to their young, and are very proud of their offspring.
• In fact, the sun shines out the asses of young seahorses.
• For example, say a seahorse couple has two offspring that both play in the same music recital because they have the same teacher. They make sure their offspring are bathed, brushed and dressed in clean clothes.
• Despite these efforts, the younger of the two seahorse babies manages to have a stain on her t-shirt, messy hair and socks that clash with the rest of its outfit when it marches up to play the piano. The father seahorse thinks, What a character, she plays with more personality than all the other seahorses combined. He thinks his offspring plays maybe not better than the others, but with a whole lot of Chico Marx. He figures the stain etc is the price of maintaining her personality. He also notices that she is the only seahorse to play by heart that evening. Or he thinks so, anyway.
• And when the older of the two young seahorses plays her Bach gigue, he thinks she is the most musical of the harpists that evening, and is in awe of her coordination, because there is much pedaling to be done. It reminds him, coordination-wise, of someone performing a kidney transplant on an unanesthesized ferret, on a bicycle, only it sounds better.
• The natural predators of seahorses are crabs, among other creatures. And man, of course, the natural predator of everything. Fucking man.
• One source says the average size of a full-grown sea horse is 2-8 inches, which what the hell kind of average is that? That's like saying a person is between two and eleven feet tall. Or two and eight feet, I suppose, strictly speaking.
• Seahorses are fascinated by the sounds produced by the theremin.